Please ensure that ladies and men are tatooed all over and make sure that you have an abundance of England football regalia, hats, shirts, shorts and the omnipresent towel with Wayne Rooney's ugly mug on.

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It is living on its reputation from the 80s. The beaches are full of self-serving hedonists looking for the perfect party and the DJs are awful. Panjim is the worst city I've ever been to in India. A 3rd rate Portuguese colonial town which is incredibly run down. Kerala is much more laid back, has better beaches and hasn't thousands of short haul tourists following the rave trail. The Keralans are much more friendly and not as money grabbing as the Goans.

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