My visit to downtown Miami was brief, a short walk between the air terminal and the train terminal. I asked a couple of people to confirm I was going in the right direction and was met with blank stares until the penny dropped. I was asking them in English. As soon as I switched to Spanish, there was no problem. So if you decide to go, don't ditch that old Spanish-English phrase book. It'll come in handy.

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I had the misfortune to live in Coconut Grove (the 'nicest' part of Miami) for two years and I swear that there is nothing worth the price of a return ticket from the UK, or anywhere else come to think of it.

It is the most shallow place I've ever found myself in, and I've visited over 70 countries and every state of the US. Even Madonna, who I actually admire for her tenacity and lived there when I did, had the common sense to get the hell out. The whole place is total crap. The world is your oyster but every now and then even one of them will make you vomit. This is one of them.

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