The Cairo Times and the Cairo Cafe both include good listings. Other entertainment guides can be found in up-market cafes.

www.cairotimes.com; www.cairocafe.com

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Escape the crowds? You gotta be joking

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Aka Bab el-Hadid, Central Station, The Iron Gate. Arguably the best Arab film ever made. Youssef Chahine’s 1958 black-and-white masterpiece was banned in Egypt for years, but you can get it on VHS with English subtitles from www.amazon.com/ or www.arabfilm.com/.

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Send them to stay with auntie in Margate. There’s very little to keep them occupied in Cairo, at least until they reach the mid teens.

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A no-frills bowl of lentils, rice, macaroni and fried onions doused in a piquant sauce. Stuff yourself silly for next to nothing. If you’re still peckish after that, finish off with Umm Ali – a delicious and deadly pudding, with a million calories to the mouthful.

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Egypt has 5,000 years of history but as far as the tourism industry is concerned, it all stopped several hundred years ago - which means that the average visitor misses a lot. The antidote to this is www.egy.com/ - a website which documents the 19th- and 20th-century history of Cairo through modern landmarks that stare you in the face but are seldom pointed out by guides or guidebooks.

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Papyrus “art” is ghastly stuff, as are the model pyramids. Remember, your friends don’t need to be shown what a pyramid looks like.

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Escape from a perfume/carpet shop without buying anything.

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The ultimate reality show – live and unedited.

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Named after Egypt’s greatest singer and built on the site of her former home, the hotel has a reconstruction of her living room - complete with old-style gramophone - just off the foyer. All bedrooms have a brass plate on the door with the title of one of her songs. Rooms at the front overlook a tranquil branch of the Nile and its houseboats; those at the back have large, sunny balconies.

Zamalek (near 15th May bridge); Tel: 02 736 8444

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Sheer luxury in six acres of grounds. But if this is the sort of pampering you want, shouldn’t you be going to Capri instead of Cairo?

Saray El Gezira Street, Zamalek; Tel: +20 2 7358888;
marriott.com/property/propertypage/CAIEG

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Never mind the dull food; if it’s colonial atmosphere you want, the Windsor has no equal. This former club for British officers is a living, working museum-piece.

19 Alfi Street (near Cinema Diana); Tel: 02 5915810, 5915277; www.windsorcairo.com/

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Oriental atmosphere, with a good range of Egyptian dishes. Go early or book ahead, because it can get full. The hubble-bubble pipes have their own menu, including capuccino flavour.

157, 26th July Street, Zamalek (but actually off the main road in a side street behind Maison Thomas); +20 2 735 9640

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Unsuitable for vegetarians and squeamish carnivores, Gomhouriya is THE place to eat pigeons. Cheap but spartan. Sample this favourite Egyptian delicacy in what al-Ahram’s restaurant reviewer described as a “Cold War ambiance”.

42 Falaki Street, near Bab el-Luc

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A real-life apartment block in downtown Cairo becomes a parable of Egypt’s decline. Aswani portrays a cruel society in which his characters are both villains and victims, exploiting of others and exploited themselves.

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Wholesome home-cooking style, popular with Egyptians and tourists alike. Knick-knacks around the walls and ceiling provide lots of visual interest, but avoid tables near the caged birds. Waiter! There’s a feather in my soup.

15 Hoda Sharawi Street, downtown Cairo; Tel: +20 2 392 2833

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OK, they gurgle and fart, but camels are lovely creatures. Honest. You’ll find them everywhere at the pyramids; in fact, their owners are so persistent you can’t possibly avoid them. Take a short spin or a day-long ride through the desert to Saqqara. Hold tight when it stands up or sits down.

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More than 70 acres of landscaped gardens overlooking the old city. It officially opened in March 2005 after 20 years of planning and construction under the auspices of the Aga Khan Trust.

Salah Salem Street; Tel: 02 510 3868, 02 510 7378; For more about the creation of the park see: www.cairomagazine.com/?module=displaystory&story_id=743&format=html

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Tahrir Bridge at nightfall, or quieter spots along the river. Cultural note: displays of romantic affection in public are frowned upon. It is considered normal, however, for male friends to hold hands (unless they happen to be gay).

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Best Egyptian cotton. For cotton clothes, try Mobaco.

248 Sudan Street, Mohaneessine, Guiza; Tel: 347 37 91; www.mobaco.com/

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