Go to Corte Sconta, the best fish restaurant in Venice. It’s tricky to find, but it's just off the Riva degli Schiavoni before you get to the Arsenale.

Also good is the Madonna restaurant. Order a fritto misto, a bottle of white wine and lap up the waiters, it's a laugh.

Corte Sconta: Castello 3886, Calle del Pestrin;
Madonna restaurant: San Polo 594

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Don't go to the Doge's Palace, the Correr Museum, St Mark's Cathedral, the Peggy Guggenheim Collection or any other place purporting to be any kind of cultural establishment especially the Accademia. If you want culture go to the Biennale or the Film Festival.

Equally, don't bother with Harry's Bar, the Cipriani, the Lido, the Giudecca or Burano.

There is, however, one island I went to years ago. It is a tiny monastery and has a fantastic library with real Egyptian mummies in it. It's called San Lazzaro.

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Go to any of the top Grand Canal hotels for an early evening cocktail. Alternatively, head for Florian's for a late night brandy, but don't look at the bill - just order another.

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Go to the glass factory in Murano. Get off the vaporetto turn right, head along the canal over the first bridge and double back. You get a free tour and load of hard sell. It's a good morning's entertainment disappointing the salesman of uniformly hideous glass. Then it’s back across the bridge to the nearby bar for a freshener.

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Take a trip to the church of St Giorgio Maggiore and go up the bell tower in the smallest of lifts accompanied by a monk with garlicky teeth - see if you can hold your breath all the way to the top - it's the best view in Venice and much better than the campanile in St Marco. There's a small marina below, you can look down and wonder who owns those boats.

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Read Italian Hours by Henry James, especially the description of the trip down the Grand Canal. Spot on!

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