The Barajas Metro Line (number 8) takes only fifteen minutes to deposit passengers in the centre of Madrid's financial district (Nuevos Ministerios). Taxis are available from the airport, but be sure not to accept offers made inside the terminals.

www.aena.es

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This city tries not to take itself too seriously, so why not see Alex de La Iglesia's The Day of the Beast. This is a spoof terror film in which a priest convinces himself that the anti-christ will be born in Madrid on Christmas Day. He teams up with some local metal-heads as he tries to find a way to Satan in the city's sinful streets.

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If you speak Spanish, pick up Guía del Ocio (weekly at the kiosks, newsagents or 24-hour stores) or try madrid.lanetro.com/.

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Currently being revamped and due to open in the spring of 2006, this boutique hotel is right on the Plaza de Santa Ana. It has traditionally been the bullfighters' hotel, so expect to bump into men in tight trousers and sequins during the season at Las Ventas.

Plaza de Santa Ana, 14; Tel: 91 5314500; Metro: Puerta del Sol; www.hardrock.com/locations/hotels2/madrid/

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At 14-19 euros the night, it is certainly cheap. Morisco style, chill-out, weekly parties and 24 hour opening make this a desireable spot in the centre. Two to 14 beds per room.

Calle Cañizares, 6; Tel: 91 369 28 07; Metro: Anton Martin; www.catshostel.com/

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On Calle Santiago, 9, between the Plaza Mayor and the Plaza de Oriente. No booking, so get there early. This is Madrid, so early means 8.30pm. Fusion of Mediterranean and Eastern cooking. Ask for the cherry gazpacho.

Calle de Santiago, 9; Tel: 91 5422460

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Paella deluxe or fideua (basically a paella with noodles) at the Champaneria Gala on near the Plaza Santa Ana. Book ahead and try to get a table in the conservatory greenhouse area. Great for lunch. Second lunch-time sitting is at 3.45pm at the weekend (really).

Calle Moratin, 22; Tel: 91 429 25 62; Metro: Anton Martin

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Eat chicken and cider at Casa Mingo for 16 euros between two.

Paseo de la Florida, 34; Tel: 91 547 79 18; Metro: Principe Pio; www.casamingo.com/

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Scrap their normal bedtime. Let them stay up late, like Spanish kids. Take them to a restaurant at midnight. The waiters will love them and there will be other four to eight year olds running around.

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Don't look at the greenery (there's not much of it in this parched city, except in the spring). Look at the people instead.

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Cure that hangover by dipping strips of battered dough into thick chocolate.

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Nursing an Irish coffee in the small hours of the morning in the old-fashioned (polished bar and wooden tables) surroundings of Casa Pueblo, when the lights go out and they play Singing in The Rain.

Calle León, 3

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You really do not need those.

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Bring back a flamenco CD featuring the late, great Camarön de la Isla.

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Goya and Velázquez are reason enough.

Paseo del Prado; Tel: +34 91 330 28 00; Closed Monday; Admission: €6; museoprado.mcu.es/

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For a bit of arty sophistication, high ceilings, cigarette smoke and some decent cocktails. Gentlemen once met prostitutes here, which, they say, is why the blinds go down as soon as it gets dark (so no one can look in).

Calle Reina, 16; Tel: 91 532 28 26

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A kitsch former knocking shop - ask for the room with the mirrors on the ceiling and the bath in the middle (room 20). This is where King Alfonso XIII used to meet his mistresses whenever he felt like cuckolding Queen Victoria's granddaughter, Victoria Eugenia (which was a lot, as at least three bastard children can confirm).

Calle Barbieri, 5; Tel: 91 522 4630; Metro: Gran Via

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For really excellent food and knock-down prices, try eating standing up at La Castela on Doctor Castelo at the corner with Calle Narvaez. Fast food never tasted this good.

Doctor Castelo, 22; Tel: 91 573 55 90

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Arturo Barea's The Forge is not a novel, but it takes you to the heart of Madrid in the first half of the 20th century as the author grows up on both the rich and the poor sides of the tracks.

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If that is what you want, you've come to the wrong city. Your only hope is to try El Retiro in the early morning or hide inside a church.

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