I hired a jeep type thing in January 2005 for about £10 per day. Mopeds are about £1.20 per day. A Harley Davidson could be hired for about £8 per day

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This does not seem to exist in Phuket, which I guess is why they want to look after your passport for the duration of the hire period. Any damage, and you get your passport back when the damage is made good.

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Low season is from May to October (this is the monsoon season). High season is from November to April.Regardless of season the temperature is about 30-33 degrees centigrade. The difference is that it rains frequently in the low season, and hardly ever in the high season. Don’t write off the low season just yet though. It has its upside: 1. This is the time to surf on Phuket.2. The sun is mostly behind clouds3. There is a refreshing downpour several times a day 4. Accommodation is half the price it is in high season. Strange but true. Rooms costing about 1,000-1,500 baht in high season can be had for half this amount in low season.

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On Phuket aim to visit Sirinart National Park. It's near the airport in the northwest of the island. From May to October you will probably see giant turtles clawing their way up the beach to lay their eggs.

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Try Phuket Fantasea if you like this sort of thing. It’s at Kamala Beach. It’s a magnificent evening's entertainment. Elaborate dress, elephants, gibbons and more.

www.phuket-fantasea.com/

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Chalong is also home to arguably Phuket's finest Wat - Buddhist temple - and well worth a visit. There is little to compare with the Wats in Bangkok though. In the capital you can see a Buddha image that weighs five tons and is made of pure gold.

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It’s near Chalong. Here you can fire Smith and Wessons, Berettas and Glocks. Rifles too. Lots of fun.

82/9 Patak Road

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In Phuket, head for Patong Town; in Koh Samui head for Chaweng Town

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Most Thais are Buddhists. There are a few Muslims. There is no trouble between these groups mostly, but way down in southern Thailand there is infrequent violence.

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Remember that most Thais earn very little; they are getting by on 100 Baht a day - about £1.20. I never tip less than this. It is little enough to us, but a day's wage to a Thai. Go on, just do it!

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This should always be shown to Thai royalty and monks. Never do anything stupid like lighting a cigarette with a Thai banknote. The King's head is on the note. You have just insulted the King. I once dropped my wallet, and playfully put my foot on it; I thought my Thai girlfriend was about to grab it. Without knowing it, I had caused offence. I had just placed my foot on the king's image. They will not get nasty with you. They know that you don’t know. It was very diplomatically explained to me.

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Lots of snorkeling trips available. We are really talking pretty here. Lion-fish, parrot-fish, groupers; it’s a riot of colour down there.

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If fishing is your thing, Thailand has much to offer - both fresh and seawater. For more information, visit: www.thaifishingguide.com/

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If you are going to Patong in Phuket and you want to pay 600-1,500 Baht depending on season. Then you could do a lot worse than:The NeptunaThe ExpatThe Family InnThe C & N Hotel

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Along with a couple of dozen westerners on moped I was pulled in a police trap. They know that, almost certainly, you have not brought your driving licence with you. We each had to give the police 300 bahts. About £3.60. You get a piece of paper which means you are safe for the rest of the day.

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At the airport you will probably end up in a regular taxi, or a larger shared vehicle. You will probably get irritated by the driver's constant questions about where you are going/staying. This is what he really wants to know.He is trying to find out if you have pre-booked a hotel. If you have there is nothing to be gained for him. But like many others you may be going to arrange this yourself when you get there. After all you will be in a good bargaining position; Phuket tourist traffic is 10% of what it was pre-tsunami. If he finds out that you have no reservation, without your approval a detour will be made and you will end up sitting in a shop somewhere with one of his extended family, or a friend trying to arrange your accommodation for you. It will come over as a marvellous deal. They will want to know about how much per night you are wanting to pay. Let's say it is 1000 Baht. He will be bargaining away for the best offer, which of course is not passed onto you. You will be paying them 1000 bahts over, say, your 21-day holiday ie 21000 Baht. And they will be paying the hotel maybe 700 bahts over the same 21 day period ie 14700 Bahts. That’s a nice little earner. I have been amazed at how gifted Thai’s are at making money from tourists.

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These are inexpensive taxis. Once seen never forgotten. They are three wheelers which are completely open.Do say “sha sha” - slow down, or "Ya Kab Doi Pramart" - please take care.For an even more terrifying experience, flag down a guy driving a moped, wearing a green plastic vest. He’s a moped taxi driver, and will cost about 20 baht. You get about 70 of these for a pound.

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Neither of the islands are malarial. But you will still be bitten. I took the stuff to put them off, and I suppose sometimes it worked. Maybe the stuff loses it effectiveness after exposure to the air for so long. Maybe it rubbed off. The best thing to do in hindsight would have been to wear long trousers. It's your legs they go for. But it's so warm, shorts really are items of choice.

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In the UK I study people near ATM machines if I wish to use one, as undesirables are sometimes lying in wait. You will be pleasantly surprised to find that physical crimes against people are very infrequent in Thailand. Crimes tend to be non-violent, ie picking pockets or deception.

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Thais, like anyone else can take offence. If you see a row of shoes outside a room/office etc, it means people are taking off their shoes before going in. Don’t wait to be asked, if you want to go in, take yours off. If you visit a temple you must remove you shoes. Do as the Thais do. If you must get down on the floor, fold your legs beneath you so that your feet point away from the Buddha. Wear appropriate clothing. Don’t wear shorts mini skirts or short-sleeved shirts. Cover yourself.

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